I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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