so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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