right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't deserve a penis
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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