I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
