I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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