eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
