I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
