When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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