Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
