We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize