my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
