Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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