I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
