drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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