Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
