I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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