I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
