God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
