My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
