i think i have two assholes
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
