he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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