...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
