hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
