I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
