he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
