I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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