about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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