so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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