I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
