You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
