I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize