then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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