You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is my gift to your gina
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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