My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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