he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
