im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
