Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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