Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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