I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
