then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
