new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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