come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
