just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize