Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
