If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
