I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
