when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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