WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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