someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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