speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
