So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
