she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
