there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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