M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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