We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
