how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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