I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize