To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
