I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
