then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize