I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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