God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's Friday. Sex?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
