I accidentally had phone sex last night
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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